18-Feb-08 Letting go finally

I believe everyone will be wondering why why why… He has been looking for answers from me on why I left him…

When we met for the first time, I really take him as a friend. I never thot we will be together. As I used to read his blog, I know he got alot of lovers. So I take that I’m one of his lovers too. I know he’s a sweet guy who treats ppl very well. At that time, I’m still with my bf… I thot he understand that I can’t commit… But I was wrong… I left my bf cos of the way he treats me but it was only for that one incident. I don’t really mean to leave him…

Just like that he assure me of a new relationship, and I found out that he’s taking me seriously when he came back from SH. I was in the middle of decision… I was so stubborn that I decide not to forgive him cos of what he has done before & accept the new relationship…

During our relationship, everything went well. Until he finds out that I’m meeting my ex behind his back… Yes, I did but I never know he takes me as a gf. I was devastated. I felt sad but I tried working hard to gain his trust. But ever since, no matter what I do, he can’t convince what I say. Even when my phone line was down due to installation of mio, he don’t believe. I go see doctor with my mama, he don’t believe. I felt the pressure that I don’t dare to face.

Slowly his expectation increases, I have to greet every members in his family. I have to learn to say thanks when I receive something & sorry for the wrong things I done. Slowly I find that I’m not in tune with him. I can’t cope all these simple things he wanted me to do.

I know I’m a bored person as compare to other gfs he had. I tried my best to fetch him every night for dinner. Bring his family out when possible. I don’t ask for anything in return.

I never will look down on someone who is running low in $, I have that kind of experience, so I know how he felt…. So I only thot of helping him whatever I can. I maybe causing myself into deep trouble but I know I did the right thing to help him…

Finally I have to let go cause from his blog post, I finally know how he felt deeply inside his heart. He’s just fulfilling his duty as a bf. I understand that cause I have a feeling that I’m just fulfilling my duty as a gf… I really need my life back cause I know future with him is very hazy, I don’t even dare to think, especially the moment he mention the word ‘future’, I totally wake up.

I know I have let him down for so long, I just want him to get what he deserve and not stressed & bad luck being with me… I been through that I know how hard it is to be stuck…

But because of him, I realised who really love me and stand by me no matter what I do. I realise all these is a mistake. My grave mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life…

18-Feb-08 Feelings gonez?

Krispy Kreme that Jen bought for us. Me 1 box, Will 1 box. So sweet of her. Imagine she carry it all the way from manila to singapore. She’s the best~~

Felt fresh for the day but couldn’t pull myself up again. Just wanna lie on bed longer. Wanna feel the comfort that I have. Don’t need to bother any other things. Slowly feeling nothing means dangerous for me. But I will pull through. Somehow…

Jen is back today with lots of doughnuts for us. I had overdue bread for breakfast so i left it for lunch.

Get to know very alarming things… Get to know both my staffs are dating. Worst still one is supervisor. So the rest will be obvious… What’s worst? Supervisor got gf already, just that he work overseas… Sad hor…  Somehow I pity his 2 gfs and sorry for him… I been through that so can only wish the better for them…

Receive smses from an old friend of mine… I’m totally surprise cos I never release out my number except for mama, my auntie, ginny & gary. Even my siblings don’t have it. So i’m totally shocked. Dumbfound and worst still I don’t have his number to verify cos he uses internet sms. Keke… Only means that he don’t want me to contact him. Just want to thanks him for concerning. Life still need to go on.

Been very negative but must thanks POK (reminds me of mee pok) who never fails to love me regardless how I treat him… So dear to me… yet I mistreat him so much… Your efforts showed me more than what I want to know…

Don’t know to happy or unhappy cos he found a new someone in his life.. I just want him to be happy cos everyone has the rights to be happy. I have done my part to help. Just hope that everything went well at his end.

Planning to go buy 4D and toto after work. Just hope that I win something. Will buy our numbers although our relationship fails. For toto, i just count on luck. If you win, remember to thanks me cos I contribute some of it… Hahaha…

Next will be desperating my housewives~~ Hehehe… Relaxing myself is the only thing that I can do to help myself… :p

17-Feb-08

Sleep the whole day… Worst day ever but I will be fine… Some day I guess.

Realise I’m just someone ppl don’t like, no wonder I felt so uncomfortable. I thought it’s just my imagination. I guess I can only blame that I’m not the right person who worth all that.

At least now I know my $ problem I just bear it myself. I will feel better that way. At least I’m not hindering anyone further. That’s the good thing of being alone. Having burden to ownself with no expectation from others.

16-Feb-08 Jog to live

@ YCK Stadium

Me acting cool but actually resting after jogging :p

My running shoes bought by Alex

Woke up late and went for jogging at YCK Stadium with dardar. Only jog 2 rounds then stop. Just feeling tired.

Went to watch L @ Century Square then send dar home & went home. Can’t sleep at all.. So good for me…

15-Feb-08 Another bad day

See doctor

Back in office but ear still pain

Kopi O anyone?

Very big fishballs

Once again, thanks to mama who accompany me to see doctor.

Reach office to expect something unexpected. Slowly realise I’m not someone that ppl will trust. All thanks to myself. My home number has been unstable since my bro ask them to install mio. I can’t see my com too due to internet not setup as no one teach us how to. No manual also. What’s worst, i got no time.

Totally no mood to work. Kenna scolded and still have to admit that i’m wrong… If it makes others happy then i will admit. Think he’s facing bad mood at work as well, so i kenna darted…

Lucky thing, I still get to meet darling for dinner after long rest at home & we went circular road for kopi & fishball noodles. Totally no appetite but I still eat as much as I can le…

Suppose to watch movies but have a long talk with darling in the car. Just feeling stressed… Haiz… What a day…

Went to dar’s home and went out to pump petrol n went geylang to buy grass jelly cos he want to have a sweet drink then head home to sleep.

15-Feb-08 Praying for good health

Suppose to wake up early to see doctor but couldn’t pull myself up. Finally woke up at 9/10+ and realise mama is not working today so she volunteered to accompany me to see doctor. So sweet of her. But actual fact, she don’t want to stay at home & face papa alone, I guess.

We bring up the topic of our flat cos nobody is paying or should I say no $ to pay. Ideas of selling it is very near but where can we live after that? Actually I’m prepared long ago to move to uncle’s place. It’s sooner or later cos there’s only 3 of us but most likely separation will be in place by then. Can’t be asking papa to live in uncle’s place, most likely he’s happy to move to his china lover’s house.

But still, I try my best to maintain the house as much as I can. I may not be making much $ but I just want my mama to have a better life and let me worry more.

After seeing the doctor, he told me to remove the earrings. As if I can, I have to tear open my ear and it will definately bleed like hell, imagining my blood splashing all over when I do that. Kaoz… All I pray is that the cream & medi can let the swollen ease & make it easier for me to remove the earring. I just scare of pain!!!! 😥

Things just doesn’t go well for me. Can only blame on myself. My ugly past and everything that I do. Can only repent again & again. Being stressed is going to be a norm to me. Thanks for the curse, at least let me bear it without hurting others. I’m the sinner anyway. Won’t be happy from today onwards, i guess. Everything I do is always wrong. All my fault again. Haiz… When am I gonna learn? I wonder.

Guess tonight I just have a good rest, hopefully I can rest… I just have to worry what is gonna come… The punishment~~ I’m waiting anxiously for it… =_=

Got to go search for yogurts again. Too much stress & sugar brings back my illness again. Max used to buy alot for me in the past, I must thanks him. Maybe 1 day I thanked him personally for doing so much for me, while I done nothing in return. May god bless him~ 😀

14-Feb-08 Valentine’s Moments with my hubby

It’s Valentine’s Day & canteen got sell flowers

Dolled up but a bit tired due to too many things happening

Love flowers by my beloved hubby. He has been carrying it till he met me.

Waiting list

 @ Garden Hotel

V day table Arrangement

My first plate

Notice a flower for me.

OMG Got YuSheng somemore
 

Our first pasta

My 2nd plate

Our second pasta

Union pic of my flowers

My desserts. All chocolate are out. So sad
 

Got nice love-shaped chocolate

 It’s a candlelight dinner

Must take pic of candles

Us @ Garden Hotel for V day

Us just finishing our V day buffet
 

Garden Hotel

 Us @ Garden Hotel Lobby. Thanks hubby for the dinner.

Specially written by my hubby and I love it alot cos he’s the first to write such things personally for me

I like the way Taka wrapped the presents

Wrapping of my V day present
 

Specially wrapped it for my hubby’s V day present

This is my V day present. I guess correctly. Hehe

My new V day purse

V day purse. Hubby told me it’s not cheap orh. Hehehe

Watching P.S. I love you @ Leisure Park
 

It’s a special day to celebrate so I didn’t go for jogging & start busy with wrapping of hubby’s present. Stupid me then realise the price tag is still there.. Doubly stupid is that I tear it off & it make the box look worst. Took super long time to wrap cos it’s not easy. But love the thrill of wrapping it. Simply love it~

Rush hour to bathe & dolled up myself for the night. Then home number came down & I couldn’t call out & nobody can call in. Huat ah! Lucky there’s a thing called handphone. -_-

Fly my way to fetch hubby but the jam is scary. So sorry for making my hubby wait for me and he’s carrying the flowers for me all the while. So sweet. I’m surprise when I see the flowers. It’s so sweet of him.

Went to Garden Hotel cos we are abit late but lucky thing it’s not that packed so our seats are still available. Food is okay but there’s no hubby’s fav oysters. Appetite becomes smaller but I still manage to eat alot. 🙂 Wanted to pay for it cos don’t want hubby to spend too much on me but he still insist to pay. :p Still it’s a romantic dinner we have. Really appreciate my hubby’s effort.

Pain & Tiredness starts overcoming me, maybe I eat too much & it makes me sleepy. Must have shocked & worried my hubby for that. Still manage to drive but can’t talk much cos I will lost concentration. Hubby helps me to drop my cheque (Thanks hubby) & off we went to Leisure to watch ‘P.S. I love you’

Hubby know that I’m tired so he let me sleep in car before we watch movies. Indeed I sleep like I’m dead. :p Didn’t realise I’m so tired.

Off we go for ‘P.S.’. I already know the storyline where this woman who’s husband died & left her a mission to carry on with life without him. I teared throughout the movies. It’s so touching. Every letter she received simply touched me deep down. The memories hurt so much more than the love. Maybe that’s the reason why I blog. I don’t want to forget about it. I want to record it down, whether it’s happy, sad or angry. (Not forgetting that I’m a forgetful person) Well, moral of the story, you will only know the love that you always had when you lose it. I bet you will cry if you have the same experience too but this movie too draggy so hubby don’t really like. :p

That’s why I’m giving my all to my hubby. I may not be the best love he ever had but I’m willing to learn how to love him. Still remember the time when he once told me that I don’t know how to 谈恋爱. Hits me real bad cos then I realised that I’m the one receiving & not giving. Hopefully I’m on the right track now. Hopefully…. ^-^

14-Feb-08 Happy Valentines Day

Has been listening to radio & it’s a day for couples to have a good reason to celebrate today. In the past, I find that actually it’s a good reason for guys to send flowers & girls to receive flowers. Whether you are single or have the special one who you can spend today. Do treasure what you have now. There won’t be another Year 2008 Valentines anyway.

May happiness be with everyone out there. ~ Praying ~

Will be back to update on my Valentines spending with my beloved hubby… 😀

Last and not least, Happy Valentines Day, my dear hubby!!!

14-Feb-08 My Valentine’s – Alan Koh~~~

Yap, today’s Valentines… Very excited? What will I get for V day gift? I don’t know leh, only know hubby keep bio-ing my purse few days ago, saying that it’s a bit too old. Well, my purse cheapo leh, just use to keep my stuffs, that will be good enough le ba..

For me leh? I bought perfume during Xmas cos it’s special edition for Xmas only and I scare sold out already so I bought it first. What’s worst? Hubby know I bought it.. Can’t even give him surprises… =_= Don’t have extra cash to buy something to add on, hubby so sorry. Suppose to buy one more gift but i’m totally broke le.. 😥

Hubby gonna bring me to Garden hotel for buffet so I can’t have lunch later. Then I will spend my lunch time sleeping… Can’t wait for time to pass but kinda scary when time goes too fast. (Old already)

So lucky that my menses came at the right time or should I say the wrong time? What can be more worst? My left ear is bleeding now.. Yeah… All thanks to my piercing previously… Hehehe… Has been feeling pain since yesterday. Now finally it bleed… Only then i look into the mirror and saw that my last earring is gone!?!?! No it’s not!!! Ear has swollen until my earring is covered by I don’t know what it is… Bad omen again… Help!!!! Pain + Bleeding… What a red day for me… HUAT AH!!!!

What a good ear I have~~
 

Everything just hinders me… What can be more worst? Update on my Valentine’s tomorrow. 😥 *Pain*

13-Feb-08 Pain~

Woke up late with at least more than 10 alarms trying their best to pull me out of bed but i’m just too tired. Still I can pull myself & walk like zombie. Legs feeling pain but not very serious though, just not too used about feeling the pain. Time to stress for work… Zzzz…

Rush home on time so I can jog today. Do some washing of my clothes & very proud of it as my clothes are slowly clearing off. Time for me to arrange my clothes soon. Slowly realise that I have lesser clothings. Good leh, means I need lesser space. If I can squeeze all my clothes to only one closet. Woohoo. By then it means I will wear almost the same thing weekly. :p

Didn’t really jog but I must say I stroll cos I’m feeling pain already. Seeing the clouds, trees & cars around me calms me again but construction around me spoil the scene. Listening to music playing from my mobile can be good or bad cos different moods bring comfort to my ears with different songs. Most likely I will skip songs. Notice that I never skip these 2 songs: 隐形的翅膀 & Baby对不起. Just love the nice lyrics & melodies.

Went back home to see papa again. Makes me see my future threats… Praying for something good but seemed like it has never been good. Slowly accepting the fact that I’m an unlucky charm.

Hubby is having a dinner @ Serangoon Central so I went back to the familiar area & fetch dar to Chomp Chomp for 2nd round of dinner. We have Hokkien Prawn Mee, Satay & Sugar Cane. Everything is nice and I’m too blur to drink the whole BIG glass of sugar cane…

Everything is fine until stupid me couldn’t do a simple thing. Can only blame myself for being useless. Want to have more strength so I can do more things but age catching up. My red & swollen eyes are showing signs telling me that it can explode anytime. Slow response, Blackout & serious blur vision hinders me. I wonder how long can I survive further. I can only pray to god that I don’t have to face the things that I’m worried about.

Thanks to hubby for being there for me~ Sorry for making your day so bad.